Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets movie Review

The razzies dont need to wait until the end of the year to anoint a winner for 2017. The golden turkey awards should be republished with a new cover. Euro trash is back while sci-fi will need to lick its wounds for a while. Dane dehaan who has starred in two of the most egregiously bloated misfires of the year with a cure for welness and now this should do a couple of indie movie while cara delevingne needs to learn there is more to acting than smirking and eye rolling. Rihanna should pretend this never happened. And the hollywood studio chiefs can breathe eary that this time at least they all escape blame for making a giant summer franchise picture that nobody wants to see since this one a french impot.

Yes valerian and the city of a thousand planets really is that bad bad enough that you dont know for the longest time that valerian si one of the lead characters and not a planet or a spaceship. Sporting special effects and sets that smack of 50-year old barbarella style tackiness luc bessons $200 million eyesore will barely trigger a momentary blip on the american box office radar screen leaving besson with the lone hope that there are parts of the world where the entertainment tastes remain ahem less discriminating.

The comic book based valerian et laureline created by pierre christin and drawn by jean claude mezieres was a fan favorite in europe from its debut in 1967 through 21 volumes ending in 2010. For whatever reason besson hasnt cast leads who remotely approximate the looks of the comics characters valerian on the page is a black haired he man not a brownish blond kid with the physique of a 1050s teenager while laurelines flaming long red hair has not been adopted by cat like blonde model delevingne.

But these differences are nothing compared to the staggering deficiencies of the screenplay which besson chose to write alone any collaborator would have been able to point out that what the auteur has written provides absolutely no entry point into the would be story that leapfrogs from 1075 to the 28th century with a few pit stops in between. Given all the different worlds and populations on view some witty exposition might have been useful but the summarizing is saved until the end by which time it scarcely matters. At no point along the way does the movie provide a reason to invest your interest in any of this.

To pretend that there’s a plausible or comprehensible narrative line to the film would be a punishable misrepresentation. At the outset, one is presented with an Edenic beach society made up of pale, slinky and hairless supermodel types where also to be found are pearl-like spheres of very special value and a rare converter of some kind that needs to be delivered to the apparent center of civilization on an enormous space station called Alpha.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets movie Review, 9.0 out of 10 based on 1 rating

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